New waves of Peanuts Related Terrorism
by FriendsEAT on 09/02/09 at 2:30 pm
- The “King” of Peanut Butter
Well, the anti-peanut coalition is at it again. This time their insidious plans stretch into the stores of the usually reliable Kroger brand.
As you may well know, there has been a long standing crusade against the third greatest of all nuts, the peanut, for several years now. It began with an extremist splinter group of anti-peanut radicals and their claims that “peanut dust” was causing allergic reactions in our school children. This led to the ban of all peanuts and peanut products from our schools and school buses. Now, however, in a stark example of what happens when our government negotiates with terrorists, the APC unleashed a new wave of peanut-related terror, attacking our very peanut butter itself. The zealots of the anti-peanut liberation front are now claiming that a large percentage of our country’s strategic peanut butter reserves are tainted with biological agents.
Namely: salmonella.
That’s right; the same culprit that has been blamed since the early 90’s by the now defunct “Anti-Raw-Cookie-Dough-Eating-Brigade.” The ARCDEB or “Arcade B” as they call themselves have been quiet for many years … one can only hope that their organization is not linked to this new rash of attacks.
Google news reports that Kroger, the last major supermarket chain to resist the threats of the APC have now succumbed to this biological threat. One can only wonder at our own government’s preparedness to deal with such a breakdown in our national peanut-butter defense system.
There is a bright spot, however, amongst the dark clouds of this smooth or chunky storm: Google news also reports, that quote “According to the FDA, peanut butter sold in jars — including Kroger-brand peanut butter — is not involved in the salmonella investigation.” Our nation’s peanut butter has a safe-haven. That cylindrical beacon of hope, the peanut butter jar. Standing firm against the peanut hating extremists, peanut-butter jars of all sizes, whether they say “Jif,” “Peter Pan,” “Reeses,” or “SmartFit Omega-3,” are banding together in a show of unity that can, without hyperbole, be called, inspiring.
It is this peanut-o-phile’s sincerest hope that on this day, and all the days to come, we think of our small, two-chambered friend, and see not just a delicious buttery brown, but the integrity, honor and tenacity of red, white and blue.
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