Baby Knows Best: Forestall Fancy Faux Pas
by Shari Ilsen on 05/06/09 at 6:49 am
That's right people I'll Be Telling You What to Do
It appears that you need some help. I may not be the first person anyone would think of to teach restaurant etiquette, but you’d be surprised how much I see and how much I learn sitting up here in my high chair. You think I’m just munching on cheerios and drooling, but you underestimate my multi-tasking capabilities. And since I’m a cute little infant, you’d be astonished at the amazing things people are willing to do in front of me at the dinner table. I am, in fact, the perfect person to teach you helpless heathens all about how to behave in various dining situations. So pay attention, and don’t forget to burp me periodically.
Forestall Fancy Faux Pas
You’re going to mess up eventually- how else do I learn all of my bad habits? But here are some tips to help you get through a nice fancy dinner with that special someone, so there might still be a chance for a little brother or sister in my future.
Reservations
Make them. If it’s a special occasion, tell the maitre’d about it and request a special table or specific arrangements. Generally, the more personally involved you can get the restaurant staff in your evening, the more they will try to make sure it’s a great one. If I refuse to be left alone with the babysitter, have stripped to my diaper, and am throwing the mother of all tantrums on the carpet in front of you, call ahead to say you’re going to be more than 15 minutes late, otherwise the wait staff will either give up your table or treat you to dirty looks all evening.
Dress
Especially in America, restaurants have become much more casual than they used to be (or so I’ve heard.) However, many nice restaurants still have a dress code. If you’re unsure, it’s perfectly acceptable to call and ask. As a rule, always err on the side of more conservative: dress pants and a jacket for daddies, and slacks or dresses for mommies. For really nice places, suits and cocktail dresses will fit in and make the occasion even more special.
Wine and Drinking
At such a fancy place, there will usually be a sommelier, or wine steward. Feel free to ask them for recommendations- after all, it’s their job. They will generally bring out the wine and pour a bit for the man to taste and approve before pouring for the ladies. (Yes, it’s kind of sexist. But these fancy places still cling to the outdated notion that traditional is always the same as elegant. Just wait twenty years until my generation takes over- things will change fast…)
Anyway, if you don’t like the wine, it’s okay to send it back (although it’s more okay if the sommelier recommended it. If you chose it yourself, it’s better to just live with it). Finally, don’t refill the wine glasses yourself- that is your waiter’s job, so let them do it. Just sit back and get schnockered- I know you know how. Just do what you did the night I was conceived.
Electronics
Inexcusable. Turn off your cell phone. If you must take or make a call, leave the restaurant or at least go to the bathroom. Not only is it rude to people at your own table, it destroys the ambiance of the restaurant and often your waiter will ask you to turn it off, anyway. So resist the urge to call the house every ten minutes to make sure I’m okay.
Children
You may have noticed that I am conspicuously absent from this scene. I know, it’s a shame. But most nice restaurants simply are not built to cater to young kids and babies. So if you have infants or children that can’t just sit quietly and eat, don’t bring them.
Let me tell you a story about my buddy’s parents (we’ll omit names) and the mistake they made in bringing him and his brother to a fancy hotel brunch. Everything was going great, everyone chowing down, and my buddy decided to jump over and hug his Dad with his mouth full of food. Instead of swallowing, the second he reached his father he vomited all over him. My buddy’s mom took him to try and get cleaned up, but it was such a disgustingly sticky mess of eggs, sausage, and french toast that she had to take off his pants and let him go back to the elegant dining room wearing his shirt and his diaper. When his father went to go clean up, he wasn’t so lucky. The poor guy ended up having to remove his pants and his shirt, because both were irreparably vomit-caked. He had a clean sweater he tied around his waste like a loin-cloth, and spent the next ten minutes trying to get his wife’s attention by waving wildly from the back of the buffet table, barely shielded by the piles of pastries. Meanwhile, my buddy had decided it was a great time to start running around and around the dining room, threatening to pull his diaper down and strut his “stuff” for everyone to see. They left pretty quickly without taking advantage of their expensive brunch purchase.
The moral of the story? Save the fancy stuff for anniversaries, when you leave the kids at home with a sitter.
Tip
A good rule is to tip between 15-20% of your bill. If you received extremely bad service, tip a bit less, and for exceptional service, tip up to 25%. I can’t possibly imagine service bad enough to warrant no tip, unless the waiter literally flung your spaghetti in your face, the way I like to do at home.
Your tip SHOULD include the cost of wine, since your sommelier will be receiving a portion of the night’s gratuity.
If you see the chef walking around the dining room, as they often do at nice places, be sure to complement their cooking. It’s nice and it makes you seem really classy.
Finally, since you’ve got me waiting at home for you, chances are you don’t get to have evenings like this very often. So make the most of it.
Stay tuned for my next installment about etiquette when dining casually. How can so much wisdom be stuffed into such a tiny package? I don’t know. It just is. Time for a bottle and a nap.
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