15 Cute F*ckin’ Animals You Eat

Admit it.  You’re a hypocrite.   You love steak, but when face to face with a cow you get all scared and think “Aww what a lovely ‘Moo Cow’”.  But 20 minutes after seeing the cute cow you’re in a Steakhouse ordering a rib-eye. It’s a first world dilemma.  You eat your food if it’s packaged in a Ziplock, but as soon as there’s an eye, or snout peeking out at you, you push the food aside and call it gross.

Bunny

Those of a certain generation grew up with the “Wascally Wabbit” know as Bugs Bunny.   He was pretty much a d*ck, but cute enough of that when you travel abroad, and see him on the menu you shudder and exclaim “I can’t eat Bugs”.   No worries, I have, and it tastes like chicken.

Duck

Daffy Duck, Scrooge McDuck, Hue, Dewey and Louise take you pick they are all cartoons.   But a truly astonishing preparation of Peking Duck in any of your major cities’ Chinatowns is a pleasure every person should have. Mmmm, crackly duck skin.

Deer

What was that walking into your backyard?  Oh snap it’s Bambi.  My first instinct is to grab my rifle and impress the wife with my findings.   Venison is amazingly delicious.  It should be on every restaurant menu.   Yes, all deer are giant rats, but I like rats, they are also delicious.

Lamb

Get one and you tell me if they aren’t the cutest little things.  Heck, their fur is cotton….baby cotton.

Chicken

Okay they aren’t that cute when they are adults.  Those damn Roosters sure keep you up at night.  But when they are chicks they are fuzzy and who doesn’t like fuzzy.

Frog

I will admit, I have a thing for frog legs, but I also have a thing for Kermit the Frog.   It’s a weird split in my mind.  On one hand,  Kermit is the gentlest teacher I can remember.   On the other, his legs breaded, and deep friend Lyonnaise style bring me back to summer days in France.    The way I’ve been able to deal with this issue:  Kermit is a puppet.  I got over it.

Goat

These little dudes have mini horns AND bounce around.  Oh gosh, I can’t wait ’till they are older so I can order curry goat from my local Caribbean place.

Pygmy Goat

There are pygmy goats? Holy Sh*t!  Okay, these are probably not good eats but damn I want one.

Guinea Pig

This is a great South American delicacy.  I’ve seen it at various Latin fairs through out the city and also on my travels.   What can I say, Latin people are cheap.   What’s cheaper then eating beef?  Rats.   (*Disclaimer: I am Latin. Let the hate mail begin*)

Tea Cup Pig

A friend of mine has one of these guys.  Says they are exceptionally smart but seriously messy.   Imagine having a little kid as a pet (I said imagine).  They’d be everywhere; bouncing on furniture,  pooping everywhere, and the word “Thank You” – nowhere in their vocabulary.    End of the day with 100k in expenses, and this is before you get them into Dalton or one of the good schools on the Upper East Side.  Wait, I think we are talking about a pig….

Cow

Two words:  Magic Mushrooms.

For your Chinese native readers:

Dog
Why would you eat something that would be able to go and hunt for you.   I think you just need more patience to train your dog.  Get the clicker it’s a better training tool than a pot.

Cat
I assume you’re very poor.  Enjoy the proteins and eat up.

For you French Reader:

Horse
Really?  You’re eating horse.  So many other things you can eat yet you’ve got your eyes on Seabiscuit.

For you Japanese Readers
Dolphin

Really?   I mean Really?  You’ll eat a Dolphin?   Shame on you.   (*Disclaimer: I am not Japanese*)

***Bonus***
Now if you think they are all cute and cuddly. Here is a video of when Animals attack.